The Perimenopause Husband
What Not to Say to Your Wife During Perimenopause
There was a stretch where I could have been standing in the room saying nothing, doing nothing, and it still would have irritated her.
It was not about whether I had done something. It was about me being there at all.
I would ask something completely ordinary. Did she want a cup of tea, or a chai latte if we had them in. The washing needed bringing in. And I would get a short flat answer back with an edge on it that had not been there last week, or I would get nothing at all.
So I asked the three questions. Every bloke reading this knows them.
What's wrong. Why are you being like that. Did I do something.
All three felt reasonable to me at the time. All three made it worse.
Why does everything I say seem to be the wrong thing?
After thirty one years together you have a private language. A lane only the two of you drive in. The bluntness, the directness, the tone that says I know you well enough not to soften this.
For most of those years that lane works fine. She knows what you mean. You know what she means.
Here is what I did not know. The lane changes. Not for you. For her. And if you keep driving at the same speed you always have, you will do damage you never intended. The tone that once said I know you well enough to be straight with you was now saying something she could not defend herself against.
Same words. Same husband. Different weather.
What are the three questions to stop asking?
What's wrong. It assumes there is a wrong to find. A lot of days there was not one, and every repeat made her feel like she was failing a test she could not even read. The tears post is where that one did the most damage in our house.
Why are you being like that. It turns her mood into a charge and her into the accused. Now she has to manage my reaction on top of her own, at the exact moment she has the least left to manage anything with.
Did I do something. This is the one I thought was humble. It is not. It is me handing her my discomfort at not knowing and asking her to carry it for me. That is not support.
Every one of those questions, however fair they felt, was just one more thing landing on a plate that was already full.
What about when she snaps at me for nothing?
Do not snap back, and do not go looking for an apology.
She is snapping at the people she cares about most, and then feeling guilty afterwards, and you can see the guilt sitting on her. Asking her to apologise on top of that is asking her to pay twice for weather she did not order.
The short sharp answer and the flat nothing are both information, not insults. Short and direct means keep it brief and do not ask for more than you need. No reaction at all means she is at capacity. Neither one is a verdict on you. The teaspoon is the same story with a cupboard door in it.
What about "you seem fine to me" and "calm down"?
They are on every list on the internet. I am not going to pretend I found them on a list. I said all three, and I can tell you where.
Calm down. Early on, when I had no idea what was going on, all I could see was her reaction. Sometimes it was not even aimed at me. One of the kids would be doing something, nothing much, and you could see it getting to her. She would raise her voice. Never a scolder, not once, but the edge was there. And I would step in with, you just need to calm down. If you want me to do something for you, just ask me nicely and I will do it. Many times. Many. I had made myself the referee in a game she was not playing.
Is it that time of the month. Yes, I said it. Is it that time of the month for you, is that why you are acting the way you are. Not something I am proud of. It is a question dressed up as concern that is really an accusation, and she heard it exactly that way.
You seem fine to me. This one has a particular scene. She would go out and spend time with her girlfriends and come home bubbly, effervescent, lit up. Then she would walk through our front door and there would be nothing there. And I would say it. You seemed pretty happy and excited when you left. As soon as you walk in the door it is like a changed person. So obviously you are choosing to be this way, because you do seem fine to me.
Here is what I understand now. She was giving everything she had out there in public. Home was the safe place, the one place she could let her guard down. And she could not let her guard down with a husband standing in the hallway telling her she was choosing it.
All three land as dismissal even when you mean the opposite. They sit alongside everything else a husband notices and reads wrong in the first year, before he knows what perimenopause is, or menopause for that matter, or that there is any difference between the two.
What should I say instead?
Four words. I'm here with you.
That is it. That is the whole replacement. It does not ask her a question. It does not need an answer. It does not require her to explain something she cannot explain. It just says the one thing she actually needs to know while the weather is bad.
Say it, then carry on calmly and let her come back to neutral in her own time. Most days she will.
Learning to talk so she can hear you, properly, in the harder conversations, is a whole chapter of its own and it is in the book. This is the one line that works tonight.
Start With the Weather
The Weather Report is the two-page guide to reading these days: telling a storm warning from an overcast day from a fog day, and knowing the one thing to do in each. Free, on your phone in thirty seconds.