The Perimenopause Husband
What to Say to Your Wife During Perimenopause
My wife had been in a Storm Warning for a day and a half.
Storm Warning is one of the five weather patterns we use in our house. The days the pressure is high and close to the surface.
By early afternoon it had lifted. Clearing, we call that one. The pressure has come off a little. Lighter, but tender, and it wouldn't take much to tip it back.
I said one thing.
I can see you've done well to get through today. And thanks for helping me out.
She took that well.
What should I say to my wife during perimenopause?
Less than you think. And at a different time than you think.
That one line did more than anything I said during the Storm Warning, and I'd said plenty of things on Storm Warning days over the years.
What did I get wrong?
Years ago I did all my talking at the worst time.
In the middle of a Storm Warning. What's wrong. Why are you being like that. Did I do something. Every one of those has its own article, and none of them helped.
And when it passed, I said nothing at all. It would pass, and we'd both pretend it hadn't happened.
So she got my questions when she had nothing left. And my silence when she'd just got through it.
Why say anything once it's over?
Think about what that day and a half took.
She hadn't had a good night's rest. But it was more than tired. That overall feeling of not being comfortable. Down. Irritable. And she still did the day. Still worked beside me. Still got everyone where they needed to be.
Imagine carrying all of that and still being expected to function properly, every day. Nobody says well done for that. Not even her, about herself.
Why that line?
It doesn't ask her anything. She doesn't have to explain the day, or apologise for it, or answer.
It doesn't mention the Storm Warning either. It doesn't say "you seem better". It just says, I saw what today took.
And the thanks was real. She'd helped me out that day, Storm Warning and all.
When do I say it?
Not in the middle of it. On a Storm Warning day even a kind line can land as one more thing on her.
I said it once the day had turned. I've watched her carefully over the years, and I knew how far I could take it. That's a Clearing day. Not the day for the big talk, and not the day for the big ask. Just the one line.
The rest of that day, including the ask I didn't make that morning, has its own article.
So what do I actually say?
Here's one of the tools. There are plenty.
When the hard day turns, and she's lighter but still tender, say:
I can see you've done well to get through today.
Then leave it there. Don't add a "but". Don't follow it with a question. Don't bring up the morning.
That's one line, for one moment. The book has a line for each of the things she says most, in the chapter on talking so she can hear you.
What if it doesn't land?
Then the day hadn't turned as far as you thought. Leave it. Don't chase it with a second line.
You'll get the timing wrong sometimes. I did, for years. She forgave the slips more easily once she could see I was actually trying.
And it goes both ways. Perimenopause is a relationship thing, not just her thing. Saying you saw what her day took is part of respecting what she's living through.
Start With the Weather
The Weather Report is the two-page guide to reading these days: telling a storm warning from an overcast day from a fog day, and knowing the one thing to do in each. Free, on your phone in thirty seconds.