The Perimenopause Husband
What to Ask Your Wife in Perimenopause: One Question
It took me a while to ask it.
She had already been to the doctor by then. We had finally started talking about it properly. And I asked her, what would help? Is there anything I can do? Do we need to see someone, is there a specialist who just looks after this?
She told me her GP was her port of call, and her GP would guide her through it.
That was the first time I had asked her anything that was actually useful.
Why didn't I ask sooner?
Because when she first told me, I could not even say the word.
Prior menopause, I called it. I think she closed up right there. If he cannot say it, he is not going to listen. In her shoes I would have thought the same.
And the night I went looking, every page told me what was happening inside her body. Not one of them told me what to say to her the next morning.
What should I ask my wife about perimenopause?
Before that, I asked the wrong things.
What's wrong. I asked that on a lot of evenings, and I got nothing back. Then I took the nothing personally.
And the one I'm least keen to admit: but you were fine yesterday. That was not even a question. It was an accusation with a question mark on the end.
Both of them asked her to explain herself. On the hard days, she could not.
Why does "what's wrong" get nothing back?
Because a lot of the time she did not know either.
There are days we call Fog. It is one of the five weather patterns we use in our house: she is there, but conversations do not land. "I just can't think today" is about as close as she can get to explaining it. Asking her what's wrong on a Fog day is asking for an answer she has not got.
And because answering is a job. I learned that one slowly. I used to wait to be asked before I did anything, and I never saw that asking had become one more thing on her list. The basket at the bottom of the stairs stayed there for that exact reason.
So the question has to be one that costs her almost nothing to answer.
What is the one question?
Here's one of the tools. There are plenty.
What would help today?
That's it. But how you ask it matters more than the words.
Ask it early. In the morning, before the day piles up on her. Not at six o'clock, when what's for dinner is already landing like a weight.
Ask it once. Not three times across the day.
Put an offer in with it, so she is not starting from nothing. "What would help today? I've got the school run and dinner."
Then take whatever comes back. "Nothing" is a full answer. "I don't know" is an answer too, and on that day you pick one thing yourself and do it, without making it a thing.
Isn't that just asking her to manage me?
It can be, if you ask it wrong.
"What do you need me to do" hands her the whole job of running you. "What would help today, I've got dinner" hands her a choice she can make in two seconds, with the first bit already done.
What's wrong asks her to explain. What would help asks her to point. And if she cannot point, you go first.
It goes both ways, too. On a good day she might ask you the same thing back. Take that as the compliment it is.
Where do I start if this is all new?
If you are right at the beginning and you want the bigger picture first, start here. Then come back to the one question. It is the smallest thing on this site, and I wish I had asked it a lot sooner.
Start With the Weather
The Weather Report is the two-page guide to reading these days: telling a storm warning from an overcast day from a fog day, and knowing the one thing to do in each. Free, on your phone in thirty seconds.